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Like a sketch on SNL when it was still funny. January 31, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

Normally, I don’t give a crap about the lives of so-called celebrities like Lindsay Lohan. She was cute in the remake of Parent Trap, funny in Mean Girls, but I couldn’t care less about her personal life. However, I would really like to know exactly what the hell was going on to cause this to happen. Bryan Adams? According to IMDB he is FORTY SEVEN years old. Lindsay Lohan is TWENTY.

Now if you were a guy, like say, my husband, you might be thinking dude! Sweet! Getting himself some twenty-year old booty! But if you’re a Mom, or a person who cares about the welfare of young women, you’re thinking why did this man have Lindsay and her friends at his house at breakfast time, what was happening that she needed to take a shower, and come on! She was carrying a teacup that “smashed to the ground” and cut her so badly that she needed 10 stitches? Is that publicity-speak for “fell down while drunk off her ass and cut herself on a beer bottle”? Dude.


The One Where I Get Older January 30, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

Today is the last birthday(celebration) I plan to have, because I’m 39 and I’m NOT getting any older, dammit. I spent today doing what I imagine most mothers of newborns do-a trip to the grocery store where I realized I had forgotten to bring a bottle for Kaitlyn and had to buy ready-to-feed formula and make a bottle right there in the store. Then over to Babies R Us to buy a new diaper bag, because the one the hospital gave me is huge, albeit free so therefore I’m not ungrateful. But sometimes I just need a diaper bag big enough for one or two diapers, the travel wipes, a burp cloth and a bottle, and the hospital one is more suited for, say, a weekend trip to Chicago. Back at home I got busy with more bottle feedings, diaper changes, a quick lunch and a brief period of unconsciousness on the couch.

Last night, however, there was Sweet and Sour Chicken and Crab Rangoon from my favorite Chinese restaurant, a HUGE chocolate layer cake sneakily purchased by BC while picking up the food, and a wireless XBox controller for a present (because when I am hacking and slashing bad guys as the Prince of Persia, I need to be free of the constraints of a controller cord).

There’s only one thing I can think of that might make turning 40 (cough…gag…hack) more bearable. If I could lose 40 pounds by the time I turn 40, I would consider that quite an accomplishment. 40 pounds in 12 months is 3.3 pounds a month, or less than a pound a week. Very reasonable. This isn’t a weight loss blog so I won’t go on and on about it, but I may mention my progress once in a while. And next January I may even be willing to celebrate.

WARNING: THIS POST IS RATED “R” January 29, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

Last night, BC and I and my Mother-In-Law watched “Family Guy Presents:Stewie, The Untold Story”. Not familiar with it? Check out the website. My MIL doesn’t watch Family Guy, and had no idea what it was about. So we’re watching, BC and I are cracking up, when Stewie calls someone a “pole smoker”. MIL turns to us and asks, “what’s a pole smoker?” BC turns red and starts choking. I said ummmm…. So BC makes the universal blowjob gesture, the fist moving back and forth in front of his open mouth. My Mother-In-Law watches him for a second and then says, “it’s someone who brushes their teeth?”

Oh. My. God.

Tagged (Sort Of) January 28, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

Whenever I read a Meme on someone’s blog, I always mentally answer the questions. I’ve never been officially tagged for one, but Tammie at Soul Gardening posted this one and issued an open invitation. So I’m giving it a try.

4 jobs I have had:
1. My first job was as salad-bar attendant at Bonanza, a buffet-style restaurant. Then Taco Bell, where I cooked taco meat 5 pounds at a time and made “refried” beans, a cake of lard stirred into powdered beans.
2. Software tester for an educational software company. We played kids’ computer games all day, looking for glitches.
3. Data entry for a County Commissioner. I made photocopies of Voter Registration cards and then sorted them alphabetically and then by county. I set my own hours and worked from my apartment.
4. Telemarketer for Public Radio and Public Television. We got paid bonuses based on how much money we raised and how many people we talked into paying with their credit card. I got fired for “saving” credit card pledges for the next day.

4 Movies I Watch Over and Over:
1. You’ve Got Mail
2. Clerks/Dogma/Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back
3. Dude, Where’s My Car?
4. Ocean’s 11

4 Places I Have Lived: All of these are in Michigan
1. Jackson
2. Grand Rapids
3. Bloomfield Hills
4. Okemos and then Lansing

4 TV Shows I Love:
1. All the Law & Orders
2. Lost
3. 24
4. Reruns of Buffy the Vampire Slayer

4 Favorite Books:
1. The Handmaid’s Tale by Margaret Atwood
2. The Pillars of the Earth by Ken Follett
3. The Stand (Expanded and Uncut Edition) by Stephen King
4. Everything written by Dean Koontz

4 Places I Have Vacationed:
1. Fort Walton Beach, Florida
2. Chicago (Took the kids to the Navy Pier, Field Museum and Museum of Science & Industry)
3. Oceanside, California
4. Mackinac Island and Tahquamenon Falls, MI (Honeymoon)

4 Websites I Read Every Day:
1. Everyone on my blogroll plus any links they have that look interesting
2. Yahoo! homepage to skim for news and check email
3. Fark.com
4. Overheard in New York

Since I wasn’t tagged I won’t tag anyone else, but if you read this and think of some interesting answers, please post them. And so on and so on.

Please Pass The Thermometer January 27, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

If I don’t come down with some kind of illness in the next week, it will be a freakin’ miracle. My Mother-In-Law, who is here recovering from a hysterectomy, is so badly constipated that she is in constant pain. And I hope she doesn’t mind that I just announced that to strangers.

My poor husband, who is almost never sick, has come down with some kind of flu that causes him chills, muscle aches, a heavy cough and a high temperature. He is at the doctor right now. he didn’t ask me to make the appointment until this morning which means they will “squeeze him in”. Translation: keep him waiting 45 minutes. I really hope he doesn’t have pneumonia.

Nathan came home from school early today, after going down to the office twice complaining of stomach cramps. The first time the secretary had him lay down for a little while, the second time she called me. I figured he probably needed to poop. No, he needed to come home, drink some hot chocolate(I figured a warm drink would soothe his tummy), lay down for a nap, and then get up and throw up. Mercifully, he made it to the toilet first.

I have been to Rite Aid every day for the last four days. Prescription refills for me and Ryan, Senokot and Dulcolax for my MIL, baby wipes for Kaitlyn, a thermometer for BC. They should reserve me a parking space.

The one benefit to daily trips to the store is the appearance of the best candy every created:

It used to be that retailers waited until it was much closer to Easter to start stocking this heavenly confection, but now the second Christmas is over it becomes Valentine’s Day display time. And since that means candycandycandy, Cadbury’s has apparently decided to start Creme Egg season earlier. Which is damn fine by me. Mmmmmm, Creme Eggs…drool…

Update: BC is back from the doctor. It’s just the flu, no strep throat or pneumonia. But he is considered contagious until he stops coughing and sneezing. So we have to follow him around the house with a can of Lysol. Fun, fun.

The Things We Do For Love January 21, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

This conversation took place between 3:45 and 3:46 p.m.

BC-I was listening to “Wait,Wait,Don’t Tell Me” in the car (it’s an NPR program) and they were talking about the study that shows that couples with a TV in their bedroom have 50% less sex than couples that don’t. And the female panelist said “I bet that study came out before the new season of “24” started.” I thought you’d appreciate that.

Me-Yeah, it seems to be the general consensus in the blogging world that Kiefer Sutherland is HOT, and that everyone needs a Jack Bauer in their life, to, you know, rescue them.

BC-I’ll torture someone for you if you want.

Me-Aw, you’d do that for me, honey?


Isn’t he the best?

A sigh of Relief January 20, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

You may remember my post about my Mother-in-Law, who was diagnosed with cervical cancer. She came to stay with us in order to have a hysterectomy at a major hospital and have a place to stay while she recovers.

She had the surgery today. I was surprised to find out that it was a four-hour procedure. In addition to the hysterectomy, she also had lymph nodes removed, but I believe they left in the ovaries. Not that it matters since she has already gone through menopause, but I think it meant something to her that they at least left her something in there.

Her blood loss was 500 ccs, the surgeon told my husband it’s not unusual for the patient to lose 1000 ccs, so that was good. She was adamant about not having a blood transfusion, as was I after my last c-section, so I understand how she felt. But the doctor convinced her to sign the permission form, promising to only give her blood if she absolutely needed it. I’m glad she didn’t.

The best news is that there was some concern about the cancer having spread. She had an MRI which showed nothing besides the cervical tumor, but the surgeon had said that sometimes they get in there and find tumors that they couldn’t otherwise see. But there were no other tumors.

I didn’t go to the hospital with her this morning, since she had to be there at 6:00am and it’s a school day, plus there was no way I was taking Kaitlyn to a hospital and risk her or I catching something. Also, BC has his mother’s Power of Attorney so he had to be there. If we don’t get the SIX TO NINE INCHES OF SNOW in the forecast for tonight, I should be able to go tomorrow. I want to make sure she understands the outcome of the surgery, what medication she’s getting, what the doctors and nurses are talking about. Because we all know that doctors tend to talk quickly and use big medical terms and don’t always explain very well.

The hard part is still ahead of her, the recovery won’t be easy. She has arthritis in her knees and hands and will need a lot of help getting around for a few weeks. I’m just so glad the surgery is over. And hopefully she is cancer-free for good.

Now with more “truthiness” January 18, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

Look! A new template, do you like it? The pink was just boring, and blue is my favorite color anyway. Of course, I DID NOT COPY MY LINK LIST before clicking “okay”. So now I have to recreate the whole damn list. If I previously linked to you and forget to add you to the new blogroll, please! Send me a comment or an email and tell my dumb ass. The second the Index finished Republishing and I saw the empty Links I hit my head and yelled “D’oh”.

Speaking of “truthiness” (copyright Stephen Colbert, or the dictionary, there’s some controversy), could someone please tell me what the hell Ray Nagin was thinking Monday? God sent the hurricanes because we have troops in Iraq? Huh? He says he was talking to a minister before making the remarks, was that minister Pat Robertson?

Did you know Pat Robertson sells an “Age-Defying Protein Shake” recipe on his website? He also makes “Age-Defying Protein Pancakes”. Don’t worry, I haven’t been watching his show or anything, it was on The Colbert Report last night. Colbert brought out a plate of pancakes, took a bite, and said something Pat-like, I wish I could remember what it was. Something about feminists.

Did you watch “American Idol” last night? Simon was just MEAN. I think he told one kid he reminded him of a rat. Another guy had an orange and yellow striped shirt, Simon told him he looked like a wasp. Then there was the guy who was barefoot and kept leaping into the air and yelping. He could not sing, yet they put him through to Hollywood. Just to be cruel, I guess. Oh, and then there was the girl who was talking to the camera, another girl came out of the audition with the yellow paper, and the first girl said “I heard her sing, she wasn’t that good.” Then they almost had a rumble right there in the lobby. There were two pairs of twins, the first pair were both really good and got through, the second pair were iffy but they walked up to Paula and held her hand while singing to her so they got through also. A girl from the Ukraine wanted to win so she could get a “performer Visa”. Her singing was terrible and accompanied by stripper moves. Seriously. So it was fun, Ryan and I laughed our heads off. It’s on again tonight too.

I also watched the FOUR HOUR season premiere of “24” this week, without giving away major spoilers I’ll just say that there were some shocking moments, Sean Astin is now playing the head of CTU, Jean Smart is playing the new First Lady, and there was no torture. And what is “24” without a good torture scene? Also, Chloe? Totally getting sex this season. Good for her.

Monday Picture Show January 16, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

Nancy’s daughter Big-A sent Kaitlyn a package the other day, and could the whole family be any sweeter? First, there was this doll:

It is very soft and makes a gentle rattling sound when you shake it. I think she is going to love it.

Then, there was this coat, which is so adorable:

As you can see I am not the best photographer, with the flash on the doll was completely washed out, without it the pic is too dark. Same thing with the coat, this was the better shot. But see the tassels on the hood, the butterfly on the front, and the mittens? These were unexpected, thoughtful gifts. Thanks so much Big-A!

In other news, I got a haircut. There is much layering and the stylist used a straight razor thing on the bottom “to remove bulk”. It feels much lighter but is more high-maintenance.

Here’s another view, also Kaitlyn modeling the latest in hooded velour sweatsuits:

And here is one of Kaitlyn looking at her favorite thing in the whole world-our living room curtains. This is where we sit for feedings and general cuddling, and as soon as she gets up on someone’s shoulder, she locks on to the curtains.

In fact, pretty much since birth she has been making what we in the family call her “worried face”. I’ve always wondered if she is worried that the curtains, which she can’t see from this position, may have disappeared.

I know it’s not De-Lurking Week anymore, but feel free to comment on any of the pictures anyway. Because I just need the love, okay?

I’m Not Afraid of Friday the 13th January 13, 2006

Posted by table4five in Uncategorized.

But I am somewhat superstitious about other things. For as long as I can remember, whenever I spill salt (which is pretty much every time I bake), I toss a pinch over my left shoulder. It’s supposed to keep the devil away or something. I have NO IDEA where I got that from, but I always do it.

I won’t walk under ladders, but that seems more like common sense than superstition. What if the person on the ladder is holding a can of paint and they drop it just as I walk underneath? I’m not even sure what bad thing is supposed to happen if you walk under a ladder.

I’m not afraid of black cats, or breaking a mirror. Seven years of bad luck? Like on the day of the eighth year you’ll suddenly stop having bad luck? Sounds fishy to me.

This isn’t a superstition, but I ALWAYS put my left shoe on first. Always. If I ask someone to hand me my shoes and they give me the right shoe, I wait until they give me the left one and then put it on first. I shudder to think of what would happen if I ever broke my left foot and could only wear a shoe on my right foot. (Knock on wood). I’m pretty sure there would be a rip in the very fabric of my universe.

I always say knock on wood and try to do it when I talk about something bad happening. Cripes, I’m more superstitious than I thought!

I hope today is uneventful for everybody. Try not to spill any salt, okay?